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Aviation Humour

This Page contains all sorts of Humorous Aviation anecdotes which we hope you will enjoy.

Pilot Rules 14Apr07
Forced landing refuel 14Apr07
The motoring speed trap 14Apr07
Squawks 07Apr07
True Sayings about Flying 07Apr07
Air Traffic Control ~ Pilot RT Dialogue 07Apr07


Pilot Rules
  1. The PILOT always makes THE RULES.
  2. THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.
  4. If the PILOT suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES, he must immediately change some or all THE RULES.
  5. The PILOT is never wrong.
  6. If the PILOT is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the CO-PILOT did or said wrong.
  7. The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for causing such misunderstanding.
  8. The PILOT may change his mind at any time.
  9. The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without the express written consent of the PILOT.
  10. The PILOT has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless the PILOT wants him to be angry and/or upset.
  12. The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all times.
  13. The PILOT is ready when he is ready.
  14. The CO-PILOT must be ready at all times.
  15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in Bodily harm.
  16. The CO-PILOT who doesn't abide by THE RULES is grounded.

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Forced landing refuel

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

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The motoring speed trap

Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.

Luckily, the Tornado was operating unarmed.

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Here are some actual (reputedly?) logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks", submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Problem : Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution : Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem : Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution : Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem : No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution : No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem : Something loose in cockpit.
Solution : Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem : Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution : Live bugs on backorder.

Problem : Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution : Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution: Wound clock.

Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.

Problem: Whining noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.

Problem: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Solution: Ground checks OK.

Problem: 3 roaches in cabin.
Solution: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem: Weather radar went ape!
Solution: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

Problem : Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution : Evidence removed.

Problem : DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution : DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem : Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution : That's what they're there for!

Problem : IFF inoperative.
Solution : IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem : Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution : Suspect you're right.

Problem : Number 3 engine missing.
Solution : Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem : Aircraft handles funny.
Solution : Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem : Target radar hums.
Solution : Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem : Mouse in cockpit.
Solution : Cat installed.

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True Sayings about Flying

Some statements used by flying instructors to set their students off to a good start in their flying careers.

Takeoffs are optional - Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller - Unless you keep pulling the stick back, then they get bigger again.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is a big fan to keep the pilot cool. You want proof? Make it stop and watch the pilot break into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

A good landing is one that you can walk away from - A great landing is when you can use the aeroplane again.

The probability of survival is the opposite of the angle of arrival.

You fly with you head not your hands.

Never let the aeroplane take you to a place that your head didn't get to 5 minutes before.

You know when you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those that hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all trying to become random in motion.

Helicopters can't fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others - you won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.

Aviation is not so much a profession as a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a good landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You are always a student in an aeroplane.

Keep looking around - there is always something to fly into.

Try to keep the number of landing equal to the number of takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself by patting yourself on the back.

Gravity never loses - the best you can hope for is a draw.

You start out flying with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience, the secret is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

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Air Traffic Control ~ Pilot RT Dialogue

Pilot of N5000Y: "Five thousand Yankee, 20 miles North of Richmond."
Richmond ATC: "Oh no, not again."

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches."

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Centre, we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored."
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid."

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. we've already notified our caterers."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark. and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Date modified : 14-Apr-2007
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